The Howl – September 21 – Is Kim Kardashian Secretly Countess Bathory?

Greetings, ghoulies and goblins, and welcome to our continued Transylvania tabloid “The Howl”! Every Friday, the AllHorror Howl gives you a roundup of items of interest to you fear fans. Our former feature in this spot, the weekend entertainment guide “Wicked Weekend,” has instead become a newsletter: Get your email subscription from your friendly local sidebar ?

New in theaters:

The House With A Clock In Its Walls opens this weekend. Directed by Eli Roth, it’s a far departure from Roth’s torture-porn horror, as a dark fantasy comedy based on the children’s novel of the same name, written by John Bellairs and illustrated by the almighty Edward Gorey. Let’s hope Roth carried over some of Gorey’s dark whimsy in the art direction, because that would be amazing.

Slice also releases this weekend at limited venues. Most of you haven’t heard about this one, but it crossed the radar when yours truly noticed it over at 366WeirdMovies and caught the description “werewolf pizza boy rapper” and a review comparing it to Repo Man (1984)! Doesn’t that cheesy taste just melt in your mouth?

Real Life Horrors!:

“Vampire Facials” are apparently a thing. This is where you get blood drawn out of your body, which is then smeared all over your face. The intended effect is to promote healthy skin cell growth, but if that were true then anybody who gets a bloody nose in a bar fight can get the same benefit. The spa in New Mexico has been ordered to cease and desist because clients could have been exposed to infection! You know what, I’ll just keep my ratty old skin cells, thanks.

Just check out the photo! Isn’t that lovely? And then you’re all set to party down with the Collins Family ! It was a technique popularized by Kim Kardashian, who will henceforth be putting down Countess Bathory rumors for the rest of her life if we have anything to say about it.

Haunters Against Hate

is an activist group of haunted house workers committed to taking a stand against hate speech and bigotry in all forms. They express solidarity and support for the LGBTQ community, and are pledging to support pansexual liberty organizations with their proceeds.

So keep it in mind next time y’all ramble through a haunted house attraction: some minorities are so ostracized by society that they’re made to feel like monsters year ‘round.